My cancer experience

I have drafted this blog since April this year and put it off for a while until recently decided to publish it. It is not easy for me to re-tell what I went through the past almost 2 years as it inadvertently involved recalling those miserable moments, sufferings & pains. A special thank go to my close friend,CMH, for her valuable inputs, encouragement & help in putting up this blog.

I always have troubles with my menstruation since puberty with heavy flows. When I reached my late 30s, I started to have fibroid and got it removed for the first time after giving birth in 1998 but it comes back subsequently(with a few of them), so was my heavy menstruation. I was followed up by the SGH O & G dept as a subsidized patient.

I used to do annual health screening. In 2006, my health screening package at my G.P. included cancer marker called CA153 (which is for breast cancer). In June 2006, my reading was 26 (max 25). I consulted a senior gynaecologist at SGH as a private patient and was assured that I was OK since I go regularly for mammogram.

I menopause in early 2007. However, in mid-2007, I had `spotting' intermittently. My gynaecologist recommended me to go for day surgery to `cleanse' the vagina lining on 17th Aug 2007. In Nov 2007, my CA 153 jumped to 33 (max 33). My G.P said that it does not mean that I have cancer and not to worry since I am already been seen by my gynaecologist.

Beginning of 2008 I started to experience intermittent lower back pelvic aches on the left especially when I walked too much. I also felt 'heaviness' around that area. I assumed it was fibroids causing those symptoms. Mid-2008 I started to have occasional bloating stomach. I thought it might be just gastric/stomach wind problems( I have irritable bowel syndrome), and I took Actal to relief the discomforts. I consulted my G.P. in May 2008 who recommended x-ray for the pelvic area. The result was OK. I did not probe further after that( now I realised that tumours cannot be captured by x- ray. You need to do a CT scan to confirm).

On 28th May 2008 morning I suffered severe cramp in my lower abdomen and was in great pain. I couldn't even stand up and walk. My gynaecologist did an ultra sound in his room and said that I probably having a urinary infection. After resting for one or two days, the pain went away.

I started to lose weight though I was eating well, from 49 kg to 46 kg. Year 2007 to 2008 were difficult ones for me,as I was so caught up with house work and office tasks. The family members were drifting apart.I felt life was so miserable without purpose and kept all these to myself. Despite this, I hardly go on leave, being very committed to my work & helping my colleagues.

From Sept 2008 onwards, I felt increasingly unwell for no apparent reason eg. nausea and fever on and off. On 15th Oct 2008, I decided to go for an early health screening instead of year-end. My cancer marker CA153 went up to 78. My G.P. told me not to be alarmed as high reading does not mean absolutely I have cancer,and I was advised to monitor the trend and to re-do the test 3 months later. However I decided to call cancer centre hotline to consult any oncologist available. The doctor on 21st Oct 2008 carried out a blood test and the result was shocking, it was my CA 125 (ovarian cancer marker) that was giving me problem (probably it also pushed up CA153), with a reading of 2100 points. I was referred back to my gynaecologist who carried out the operation of removing the whole uterus the very next day. I was diagnosed to be in stage 3(d) ovarian cancer and the tumour was about 10cm in diameter, attached to the left end of the uterus(which explained the left-side pelvic pain).According to my doctor,the tumour apparently grew from behind the left ovary and wrapped it to the front. The surgery cut is from centre of the body, just below the chest to the end of private part.

On 4th Nov 2008 I saw my chemo doctor (recommended by my former ex-colleague who has the same cancer), and she gave me another shocking news. There was another big tumour that my gynaecologist (who did not tell me when I hospitalized) had not removed because it was too near the aorta. So she advised me to do the chemo first to shrink it to a smaller size before going for the 2nd operation. The cancer has spread to lymph nodes, so she ordered for a full body CT scan. If it spreads to the lung, she would not treat me.

The CT scan result was OK. 25th Nov 2008 was my first chemo and I had to undergo aggressive chemo treatments, 7 rounds, each round 3 times, non-stop every week( so total about 21 treatments on consecutive weeks). Every week, I had to do blood test to check my blood count whether I could go ahead with the chemo treatment.Once every 3 weeks, I also had to do liver and kidney blood tests to ensure they were not damaged by the ongoing chemo treatments.

I still remember the 2 special occasions I felt so miserable: on the Christmas Eve in 2008,and on my birthday in Feb 2009 after my treatments,being the last person to walk out of the treatment ward,and feeling so drained,nausea and drowsy, wondered how to finish that many round of harsh treatments.Each session normally lasted 3 to 5 hrs(first round lasted the longest). Long needle was plugged into my hand's vein causing bruises, and towards the tail-end of the treatments, the nurses had a hard time finding 'good' vein on my skinny hands to insert the needle.

My chemo doctor said by mid-Jan 2009 I should be ready to go for the second operation. By then, my head was totally bald from the effect of chemo drugs.

On 15th Jan 2009 I was operated by a very senior oncologist(not my gynaecologist whom I lost faith). The operation was highly risky as the tumour was very near to the aorta and I needed 2 packets of blood to standby. The surgeon used the same surgical cut I had for my first operation. I was also put in ICU for 3 days after operation for observation, with tubes and wires all over my body. The nurse would check my blood pressure every hour and I was also given morphine to relief my pain. This was first time I got the taste of staying in an ICU ward. I was surrounded by patients in critical conditions and there was chronic shortage of nurses especially at night that one had to wait at least one hour after pressing the emergency bell to be attended to.

I resumed my chemo treatments about 3 weeks after my 2nd operation. They lasted till late June 2009. The effects of the chemo are obvious-fatigue,dizziness,constipation, teeth & gum weakened & susceptible to bleeding, numbness of fingers,dryness of skin,get flu easily & take longer time to recover as immune system run down, cannot take hot stuffs (burnt the lips), mouth ulcers and got bruises easily. Nothing can beat the sense of big relief when I finished my last chemo. I am so thankful to God that I managed to complete the treatments.

As my case is severe, my chemo doctor told me my chance of surviving more than 4 years is only 5%. I need to see her once every 3 months instead of 6 months for most other cases. My prayer to God then was that He would let me live to see my youngest girl got her PSLE result end of 2009. I dare not ask for more as I know I have not live a life that pleases God. God's grace has so far exceeded my expectations.

I quit my job in end-May 2009 and take a complete rest with a maid helping me till now. In late March this year, God granted me wellness to visit my aged mother in Malaysia(I did not tell her about my condition) before she passed away with little pain on 27th June 2010 at the age of 92. I was able to attend her funeral. Thank God for that.

This health experience has far more positive impacts on my life than the negative aspects. The downsides are:

1. My physical body has becomes severely weakened from two big operations and gallons of chemo drugs in my body. Till early April this year, I still experienced shortness of breath, dizziness and nausea after walking a bit too long, just like car ran out of battery.This is especially so in the morning after my bowel movements.

2.I know how I would eventually leave this world, and the type of severe pain that would come along.

The positive sides of this experience are:

1. My spiritual health has improved. I confessed & repented my sins, & re-commit to God. I know He allowed it to happen to discipline me for my own good. Though I stumble in my faith, it is through His bountiful grace & mercy that I am still alive now against all odds.

2. Re-prioritized my goals in life . In the past, I was very much a task-oriented person, busy for many unworthy worldly pursuits in life. Now I value relationships & investing more time in re-building them.

3. My family has grown stronger and closer through this experience. We treasure and love each other more. Life is short and I learnt no matter how right I am, accepting others as who they are rather than trying to change them is more important, and forgiving rather than drown in bitterness gives me the capacity to live a more love-centred life.

4. I learn to treasure each day and live one day at a time. Now I am not so worry or anxious as before, as I realized that I have no control over my destiny, and can't even add a single hour to my life (Matthew 6:27). Whatever I have on earth cannot be brought along when I leave this world. So I learnt to be contented and thankful.

5. I am not fearful of death per Se (rather the pain that comes with it) as I have made right with God, and He will receive me when I leave this world.

It is my hope & prayer that my sharing will encourage you, and also bring positive changes to your life too. I want to thank all those who prayed earnestly for me throughout this period.