Natural Affection

'Self-interest is the enemy of all true affection.' (Franklin D Roosevelt)

It is a fact of life that we are drawn or attracted to some people, and not the others. This is termed as ‘natural affection’. It is based on our feeling, something in that person. However, when our feeling changes towards that person, it can change our affection accordingly. So if the husband tells his wife that he still ‘loves’ her but has no more feeling over her, she will be utterly crushed. I don’t think any woman can accept that!

 

In this country, under the Law of divorce, the most cited reasons for divorce is that the couple’s marriage has irretrievably broken down due to adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion for at least 2 years; or they have lived apart for a continuous period for at least 3 years. A marriage relationship that is anchored around natural affection is very vulnerable to fail.

 

 A marriage mediator once shared this sad story. A couple who were married for nearly 20 years went for counselling. Their relationship turned cold in the last 6 years after a particular domestic incident. The husband’s feeling towards the wife changed, and was adamant on a divorce by citing the wife had ‘unreasonable behaviour’. She refused to divorce despite been offered generous maintenance and share of the matrimonial assets. However, she only had two options- either allowed the divorce to proceed without contesting by accepting the husband’s allegations of her unreasonable behaviour as ‘true’, or contest the divorce. A contested divorce is very costly in terms of time, money and also emotionally. She felt the whole thing was so unfair to her, but finally chose the second option in tears. She was forced to accept her husband’s terms even though she didn’t want a divorce.

Gratitude

‘Always give thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.’ (Ephesians 5:20)

As we said goodbye to 2013 and embrace this New Year, I think one thing we should not forget to do is to recount our blessings and be grateful to God, and the people who made our lives on this earth better. The world that we lived in is increasingly operated on a culture of ‘nothing to thank for’. The perspective is more of ‘what is my right/entitlement’. For example, natural resources are just things come into existence by chance. If we start to see the things we have as gifts, or as the demonstration of love by someone, then we will learn to appreciate and show gratitude. Such attitude strengthens human relationships, as when we expressed gratitude, we are actually attached values to what we received. We can even see our own lives on higher plane than everything is about cost-and-benefit.

 

In some countries, the attitude of gratitude is emphasized in their culture. For instance, when you are invited to a Danish home for dinner, you are expected to bring flowers, good quality chocolate or wine. One should contact the hostess beforehand whether she would like you to bring a dish. When you are there, offer to help the hostess with the preparation or cleaning up after a meal is served. Wait to be told where to sit. One should not begin to eat until the hostess says,’Vaersgo og spise’, which translates as ‘come on and eat’. At the end of the meal, everybody sat around the table would take turn to thank the hostess, ‘tak for mad, aka’, which means’ thank you for the food’, before leaving the table. The next time when you are in contact with that person by phone or when both met, the first thing to say is ‘thank you for the last time’. Let us join them to make the world at a better place to live in!