'New Year jokes'

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette. 'I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,' his friend says. 'I'm in the process of quitting,' the man says. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.' 'What's phase one?' 'I've quit buying.'

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no mood to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer. 'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. 'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically. 'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

Dieting Resolutions:
2008: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2010: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2011: I will work out 3 days a week.
2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

New Year’s Day prayer:
'Dear Lord, so far this year I've done well. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.'