"Monster mother"

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13:24)

“A fool spurns his father’s discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.” (Proverbs 15:5)

Ms Amy Chua’s book, Battle Hymn Of The Tiger Mother, received furious denunciations and outcries in the States when it was published recently, where some even labelled her as a monster mother. It doesn’t come as a surprise as some of the methods she used are considered extreme even by Chinese standards.

In her book, Chua, a Yale law professor, gives an account of how she raised her children “the Chinese way”. Her basic philosophy: expect the best from your children and don’t settle for anything less. Her own parents underwent severe hardship under the Japanese occupation in Philippines and later migrated to US. She herself received very strict upbringing which she has no regret.

She contrasts the ‘weak, cuddling’ Western parenting style with the no-nonsense Chinese style:-

1. Western parents are too anxious about their children’s self-esteem while the Chinese parents “assume strength, not fragility”;
2. Chinese parents believe their kids owe them everything while the Western parents think the children do not ask to be born into this world;
3. Western parents give rooms to their children to pursue their own passions while Chinese parents believe they know what is best for their children.

For her own children, they are not allowed to sleepovers, watch TV, play video games etc. For the kids, hours of math and spelling drills, piano and violin practice every day is a norm. The end result is that extensive practice produces proficiency and excellence, and children are inculcated with self-discipline, confidence and decisiveness. She thinks that the children in the west are wasting too much time on internet and computer games. They are too insulated from distress and discomfort, making them very vulnerable to anxiety and depression.

Her critics think otherwise. Such nurturing environment will lead to children growing up only as skilled and compliant person but a poor team worker. How to manage people requires ability to read emotions and psychology of other, and to anticipate other’s reactions. Such skills are learned through the informal ways. Freedom in the choice of pursuing passions gives rise to graduates with creative and innovative minds which are good for a high-end economy. Also, the use of threats and name calling are harmful to children’s self-esteem and parent-child relationship. There are some who react to strict upbringings by becoming permissive parents themselves.

So is Chinese style parenting better than western style? Last year, China became the second largest economy after US. The average trade deficit of US is 6% of its GDP whilst China enjoyed 7% trade surplus on the average. It now has a staggering surplus of $252 billion trade surplus with US. Thanks to highly discipline and skilled Chinese workers.

My experience in learning Taiji shows that you cannot avoid rote practice if you aim to be good in it. Once you are good at it, it is like a breakthrough, you will start to enjoy it. I encountered great difficulty initially when I tried to learn Taiji 18 and 24 movements from YouTube, as I have to coordinate my hands and legs movements, eyes and breathing simultaneously, besides having to memorise the different movement sequences. Now I find them more fun than other forms of exercise.

Let me also share some of my personal experiences with bringing up our two children. One, we are rather strict in everything. The result at the moment: thrifty, discipline, good grades but stubborn, not sociable. The other, we adopted more ‘relaxed’ approach and we see the opposite outcomes so far. Ideally it is to strike a balance between the two approaches but it is easy say than done. Unless the parents set out rules clearly and both willing to apply them consistently throughout, the children may get the wrong messages and confused.

Under the Old Testament, there is a law dealing with a stubborn, rebellious and disobedient son who will not listen to his parents when they discipline him. The parents shall bring him to the elders of the town and they shall stone him to death. This sounds harsh but the message from God is clear (Deuteronomy 21:18-21).

It seems to me that Chinese style of parenting tends to produce more predictable results such as excellence, respect authority and self-discipline. These are what all parents hope to see at the end of the day. However, we must also taken into consideration of our children’s temperaments and responses before adopting appropriate methods of parenting which are beneficial to them in the long run.

*An excerpt of the book (must read):

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html?KEYWORDS=amy+chua